Never Settle

I’m not a criminal, nor is my husband, but boy do I feel that way since moving here.  We’re “serving our time” here in Virginia for the next 3 years.  Serving time, a phrase frequently used to refer to jail time; I’d like to use it to denote a feeling rather than an actuality in this case.   We were thrilled to get sentenced (orders) to the DC area.  We were told how amazing and diverse the area is, and it is.  One thing we weren’t told and have since learned is how unsupportive the area is to its military.   In the few short months we’ve been here we’ve felt more and more isolated in our tiny cell.  First it was the empty promises of starting a military club for our middle schooler (an 8th grader starting at his 7th new school).  Next it was Veterans Day, a day to honor and revere those who have served and are serving our nation.  A day to remember those who have gone before us to afford us freedom and things like public education...

How loud is your silence?  The voices in my head have been screaming!  My silence is not golden.  My silence is deafening, but inaudible all at the same time.  I’m not sure what it’s saying. I hear it crying for help, chanting for freedom, taunting shame, and mocking guilt.  My silence yells me lies and covers me in deceit and deception. All this while hearing...nothing. Sometimes  it’s not what I hear, but what I don’t hear.  Its my alarm not going off for an early morning run with friends. It’s the quietness of my phone or absence a doorbell ringing. It’s the sound of a car turning into a neighbors driveway and not my own. Its void of snores next to me in the blackness of the night.  It’s the  muteness of God telling me everything will be okay.  The shrillness of silence is reverberating in my ears. Silence is defeating and daunting.  Silence is painful and agonizing.  Silence is necessary. Silence is ...

I know little about a lot; and I might know a lot about a little...however,  I do know when God places something on my heart, it's very hard to shake.  There is something about a play on words that gets my mind moving.  One topic I seem to know a lot about knowing a little is, my own heart.  JUST when I think I know something about myself, an inJUSTice happens to me or around me.   So the spark that ignited the flame was a simple word we JUST toss around. Please, JUST hang with me on a tour  that winds around my head and through my heart on a journey to adJUST your thinking and maybe my own in the process. One of the things I know, is I rely heavily on google/Alexia/Siri to give me information about stuff I don't know.  Often, the use of the internet is  unsafe, but for ease and simplicity its my go to, that and, I unloaded my Webster's dictionary years ago. (Let's be honest...it was probably military folks who led to the extinction of the Enc...

The beginning of school means I no longer have to worry about locking (or shutting) the door when I go to the bathroom.  I don't have to worry about interrupted phone calls or sharing a bite of my treat. I can sit and drink an entire cup of hot coffee. To many moms the beginning of school is a celebration.  Not for me. The beginning of school means I get to live in complete and utter silence, or the noise of my choosing!  However, it's in the emptiness of these walls that echo the voices in my head.  The memories and conversations are louder than ever.  I can hit repeat on the conversation I had with one of my kids (or the conversation I should have had with them).   I also get to play out every possible (or impossible) scenario of what my kids may be dealing with at that given moment.  Im certainly not at home celebrating. For military families the beginning of school isn't celebrated with the pomp and circumstance that many civilians enjoy. ...

To Hide OR Seek  Who wants to be “it”?  1, 2...15,22...30, ready or not, here I come—its a game that’s held the test of time. Parents play with children, kids with kids, even teens play variations of hide-and-go-seek.  It’s a game that really can be played with anyone anywhere.   Recently, I discovered my own variation of the game, an adult version. I’ve renamed my game Hide OR Seek, I really don’t feel up to the hide and GO seek version.  I know I’m “it” again, but I just can’t bring myself to go look.   The irony in my game is the real hiders, don’t know they’re hiding from me.  Would it be weird to yell “ready or not here I come” to forewarn those trying to conceal themselves? I fear in doing that, I may ward off some of the ones I’d really like to find.  How long should I count before I go looking?  Should I look in the nooks and crannies or rather seek those out in the open? Maybe I’ll just be the hider.  I’ve found...

It only seems appropriate that our family photo be taken at the base of Mt. Fuji, one of our biggest accomplishments as a family.  We’ve talked about climbing Fuji since we arrived in Japan 2.5 years ago.  Making our dream a reality and now a memory that will be forever a etched into our mind; bleeding the blood, pouring the sweat, and wiping the tears together was quite a feat.  Our climb of Fuji started before the sun had even woken and we finished just before the sun descended to bed. We ended the day equally exhausted and elated. Fuji wasn’t the only mountain we climbed this year, there were so many more hypothetical mountains we conquered and many valleys we maneuvered as well. For Juan, the lead mountaineer and Fuji guide for our family this year brought him to yet another peak in his career.  He has climbed to another facet and will be joining a team of medical providers at the White House.  His pack was full, he conquered a mound of paper work t...

Adding it up In 9 years we’ve moved 6 times, not counting the micro moves in between those moves! That’s moving every 1.5 years. In the 17 years we’ve been married we’ve moved 11 times, that also averages to every 1.54years! 4 kids, thousands of boxes, and millions of tears.  We find ourselves amongst more boxes, more memories, and countless lifelong friends.   When I add up all the numbers, I keep getting zero. Why zero? Zero regrets.  Was it worth it? Is it worth it? Absolutely, without a doubt. Thanks to each of you for being ONE of the ONES that multiplies our hearts! 

This post was written a year ago as I finished a grueling year in ministry.  Im so grateful to say that after a year's time I can post this with even more confidence knowing that even in this storm I endured, HE was with me.  I took a year off of serving and let the Lord really do a rehab on my ride.  Same frame, but new updated and working systems.  I pray that wherever you are in this season, you'll tap into your GPS! I'm terrible at directions, navigating roads and cardinal directions aren't my thing.  Somehow I wasn't born with the internal GPS, that gene skipped me.  I can mostly get you to where you need to go, but its going to be by telling you landmarks such as: turning at the square building with the red trim.  You wont hear me say things like “go north for a quarter of a mile then you’ll head east for a mile.”  My directions may not always make sense to people, but they’ve seemed to work for me so far. ...

Live in the moment According to my google search “live in the moment” means being present, conscious and aware of the present with all of your senses.  The irony is that so often, as I’m living in the moment, Im so far from the moment.   This week year has been a slew of “living in the moment” moments.  Many of those moments have been painful, hurtful, surreal, but nonetheless moments I had to endure and live through.  Many of these moments have been wonderful, meaningful, joyful and precious.   Its in the moments of moving and packing that Im reminded of so many of these moments.  My mind wanders down memory lane.  Sometimes I come to a hualt when my mind takes me down the dark, hurtful, and unforgettable roads.  I want to speed up and forget those moments, block those memories, and replace them with new and fun and fuffly memories.   However right as I come out of those dark narrow tunnels in my mind I see a glimmer of lig...

Curtain call I love theater, though I’m not an actress.  I can put on a good act I have a tendency to show like everything is fine when inside I’m a mess of emotions.  So in a sense, I guess I am an actress!  I’m starring the role of a PSCing wife all while playing mom to 4 busy kids. Im pretty certain it’s not going to make it to the box office or Broadway, but the script is pretty interesting. I’ve made the hair and makeup and costumes easy...workout clothes, rubber gloves and a messy bun. I may throw on the occasional hoodie and maybe a pair of earrings and mascara, possibly a ball cap. The piles of papers, stacks of laundry, mounds of donations, and bags of sale items make the stage a perfect setting for this down to earth and very REAL “play.”  The best part about it all...the leading roles haven’t even auditioned.  They know the script well, no rehearsal is necessary.  They’ll come in having mastered their roles.  Boxes, tape, an...

Its not about the medal, its about the time I was no different than most little girls.  I dreamed of the knight riding up to my window on a white horse, coming to get me for my “happily ever after.”  I had dreams that soon became far from reality as I matured and realized those things only happened in fairy tales.  I got my knight, but he certainly didnt ride a white stallion, he actually drove a Geo Tracker!  My goals and dreams changed as I arew up.  I’d always dreamed of running a marathon…then I ran a 1/2 marathon and that dream and goal was scratched off the list.  There was NO way I was going to be able to run a 1/2 marathon TWICE. Fast forward eight years to the weekend EXACTLY… I just completed one of my “fairy tale” dreams.  Believe me, there was nothing romantic or beautiful about this accomplishment.  It came with literal blood, sweat, and tears!  Some run their races for the medal; some run their races for time....

PCS season is upon us.  For military folk, we know this as Permanent Change (of) Station...basically a move.  The irony, there is nothing permanent about it.  The only permanency is that it’s sure to happen again (and again, and again,...).   Yes, my HHG (household goods) and UAB (unaccompanied baggage) will be packed up and moved from OCONUS (outside the continental US) to CONUS (USA).  There are no acronyms in the world to describe the REAL PCS that occurs.  The permanence of what goes on outside the walls of my military issued house.   Out of the boxes and crumpled paper, the ugly and raw part of the move that really is permanent.  The real PCS...the Permanent Change of senses. Even before the packers show up with boxes to whisk away our entire lot of earthly belongings, my heart, my sense of being, is undergoing a move of its own.  Every. Single. Year.  See, even when I’m not moving...someone is.  There is ALWAYS someo...